psychological noise at dawn

i'm still here in front of the computer... it's already early sunday morning... i'm actually thinking on what will happen on the next few months... i've been literally busy with nothing for the past few weeks or i think months... nothing's clear, nothing's sure...i'm thinking of leaving but i think i just can't do that or maybe i just really can't or i actually don't want... it seems like, i'm more of a parasite now, selfish, self-centered, etc... i'm starting to feel ashamed everytime i'm using the orange ATM card... i often think that things are no longer right, but at the end of the day, i'm convincing myself that i am doing the right thing and actually doing them a favor... thinking that they will never find another person who will fill in my place, well, that's my only defense... they can't simply replace me... how pathetic!... the thing is: i just can't leave them and i just can't give up what i'm getting now, it's what practically supporting me now, i can't afford to just loose it in a second... i still believe that everything will be okay, but i also need to work for it, i need to do something... i know i have a responsibility to take, but i don't know how to start or where to start... things are getting complicated, and i'm starting to loose my confidence, i am not even sure where am i now... when i got my job 3 months after graduation, i felt like an achiever... almost 4 years have passed but it seems like i've been stuck somewhere, sometime within those 4 years and i stopped growing... i'll be marking my quater of a century life on earth in three months time yet i haven't accomplish my simple dreams, or maybe they are not simple, maybe i'm just so ambitious... but i'm still hoping... and of course, there's still the master plan... :-)