school break --//--

i ended my semester prematurely... i suddenly felt so suffocated by everything, worried and always in panic... it doesn't feel good anymore, as much as i want to enjoy my working-student life, it started to feel like a burden to bear... as much as i convince my self to take it one day at a time, and soon the semester will be over, things get more difficult for me... more than the physical restlessness is the emotional and inner stress... it felt like i am making myself suffer... surprisingly, there are no regrets, i didn't even consider that my tuition fee went to waste... my thinking now is: at least i tried, now i know how it was, and now i feel more relax and free... no worries and at peace... :) :) as of now, i can feel that i have not totally given up my masterals, i am just taking a break from it... but when will i go back or will i decide later on not to go back? i am not really yet sure.

another thing, i didn't pass the qualifying exam... well, better luck next time for me? or will i take the exam again? let's see...

...sentiments ^^

...today is wednesday, class day again tomorrow... so far, i have been surviving with my class schedule, we just started with our lessons, i still have to go through a lot of challenges... i am grateful that my superiors at work allowed me to leave earlier when i have class and then i will just have longer working hours on other days to offset the hours i won't be in the office... also my professor is kind enough to understand my situation as a student who is working full time...

...i almost had an anxiety attack last week, it's very ME... i always tend to be nervous and worried over things... of course i am afraid to fail or not do things... i know my capacity and i know i am nothing compared with my classmates... i have been struggling, i have worries, and have fears... but to ease those things, i am just taking things one day at a time... i know this too shall pass... this will end in three months time and i hope to earn 6 more units...

******************** it would be my 3rd decade on earth next week :), 3 decades of laughters and tears, joys and pains, jolly times and sad times, smiling and frowning, ups and downs, etc. - in short, 3 decades of contradictions... all kinds of emotional contradictions that have made me who am i, and where am i now... 30 years of being grateful to have a great family, friends, colleagues, acquaintance... my 30th birthday would be special because we have now a very welcome addition to the family, our little angel, Mely Angelique... :) ...i will try to enjoy that day, although i am a bit doubting since i will have a report the next day... but in general, i a really thankful and grateful for everything that have happened to my existence, and looking forward of more challenges and achievement/s... there's more to come, and i will be very happy to go through it all with God's grace and guidance and with all the people around me... :) :) :)

written thoughts

...i am glad that things turned out well, i was thinking last night that the issue will be exaggerated... i know i was also at fault for waiting for the Post's reply, which really came late... i should have set a time frame as to until when will i wait for their action... but as i have said, things are okay now, this should serve as a lesson for me... :)

**********

i will start my first semester for SY 2014-2015 tomorrow, yes, i have class on a weekday... i am just hoping that i won't be late... i need to be in the office before or at 7am so i can leave at 4pm, and catch my 5pm-8pm class... my other class is scheduled on saturdays, 3.30pm-6.30pm... i was not allowed to just enroll one subject/3 units this sem, my adviser said that a student should at least be enrolled in 2 subjsects/6 units, and also so i can finish the program earlier and i won't need to apply for the MRR. also i will need to have my language class pa before i can take the comprehensive exam to attain the masters degree. :)

i am anticipating that it will be a difficult semester for me, but i know that it would not be easy, i just need to do my very best, and at the same time enjoy every second of it as much as possible. :)

...mixed :-)

...it's holiday today, so it's lazy tuesday for me... polcon was over a month ago, with few glitches here and there, i can say it was successful... then, just when we are just getting bck to our daily routine and piles of pending works, a visit was scheduled... the visit somehow really tried my patience and i almost give in, well good thing, i was able to maintain my composure and tightly pressing my lips to stop from complaining talking with matching inward sigh have saved me from being an ineffective employee... a round of applause for me please!!! :-)

...the family's little angel was born on 25th of june, and had her baptism on 20th of july, welcome to the family, Mely Angelique!!! :-)

...MAD monday!

Just what Nikki Grace Lim is always saying: it’s so G R R R R R R R R...

... and just like what Angelica Panganiban said in the movie, One More Try: ang pasensya ko konting-konti na lang...

So G R R R R R R R R R R R!!!! What the hell are they doing?!? Are they even working?!? They are being paid but what??? Are they doing something?? Or are they just busily sitting around and just waiting for their paycheck??? My goodness!

nabaha ang files, and then what? That’s the end of it??? Nakakaloka!!!

...monday Fridays ;)

...nakakapagod din. but just like what i've said, there's no easy way to success. yap, it's unfair. we are giving out more than what we should give, yet it's not enough? are they expecting us to be available round-the-clock?

...surprisingly, i am not entertaining the idea of quitting, maybe because this is what i need. i need to know the extent of how much i can do, the challenge to be better, the challenge to give out the best that i can give. the idea that i am functioning. the idea that things are not routinary. the experience of adrenaline rush from time to time. the experience of exhausting all your energy until you just want to stop and cry it all out.

...this is what i want. i am doing something worthwhile. something that years from now, i can say that i did something worth remembering. things that were not just waste of time.

...i am on the right track. this is my plan. this is how i wanted to spend my life.

...looking forward of more monday Fridays! :)

...Post[e]

...people are leaving one by one, i can't help but feel sad kasi very short period of time ko lang sila nakasama...yet i am also happy 'cause finally they will be given na their foreign assignments... seeing them excited, anxious, nervous - totally mixed emotions!!!! i am looking forward for that day when it would be my chance na to leave and experience working in one of the foreign posts :) :) :)

...the feeling of being left behind is a little sad, but i am just looking forward for the day the we will meet again.

...test ;)

...april 10, 2014 - ever since that date has been confirmed, i tend to look forward for that day to come with anxiety and excitement. i am thinking that it will be a make or break. weeks before that day, the pressure and stress greatly enveloped me, as much as i don't want and how hard i tried not to cry, especially in front of anyone, i broke down. i just felt that i need to release my anxiety that day, i tried to rush going out and hide at the CR, but i lost my composure. i cried in front of them. but i guess, it made me feel more relaxed afterwards. it felt like my emotions will start anew.

...i felt that things become tougher as the date nears, anxiety, stress, frustrations and tiredness, but i somehow felt numb... i was thinking about things after the event... i was just looking forward for the holy week break, cause by that time, it was all over... few days before, things were still unclear, preparations are still not enough, things needed are incomplete... yet i am positive that things will be okay... everything will turn out good... then the event has been indefinitely postponed...

...i initially felt disappointed because it means we will start from scratch all over again once another schedule is set. but as the situation sinked in, i also felt relieved that we will be given more time to prepare... well, at least i now had the idea of how to do things, on how to prepare, on what to expect, on how much effort to exert, and on how i should handle things - tiredness, pressure, anxiety, and i should learn how to have grace under pressure.

...it was a learning experience that i should be reminded always especially whenever things get tough! :)

...thoughts for the day :D

...the documents were lost in transit, i am relieved it was not our fault, seem like things are okay for now :)

...it's Chinese New Year tomorrow - it's a holiday!!!! i can sleep more and more :D

...it's "wicked" sisters day tomorrow ;)

...2 days more, January 2014 will just be a part of history... time flies... the ticking of the clock seems to be in a hurry... it's getting colder and colder everyday... feels like Christmas! :)

...i am still okay, so far! papers, reports, and workloads are just sitting at the corner waiting to attack me... sad :( ...but one thing for sure, i'll do my best to pass all of them with flying colors...

...now, back to work!!! :) have a nice day ahead everyone! ;)

... :(

...a little stressed this early today, i know it's partly my fault for not monitoring... all i can do now is verify it at the OSEC, i am hoping that everything will be okay... :(

chopsuey :D

...almost 3 months in my new workplace, it's difficult sometimes, fun sometimes, stressing oftentimes, but at the end of the day, it's fulfilling and i can genuinely say i am happy on what is happening to my so called life now. :)

...last 05 December 2013 was my first event - Thailand's National Day at Dusit Thani Hotel in Makati; such a memorable day??? :)why not?? i was wearing my high-heels shoes for almost 16 long hours and then we had to walk around Makati to get a cab :( but again, it was such a great event! :)

...my student life is a bit laid back these days, but i have to be ready for a blow-by-blow puyatan and iyakan (???) early next year back-to-back with the busy preparations for the hig-level meetings!!! Good luck to me! :) Might as well make the most out of the remaining days of 2013 and be tough as 2014 comes. :D

..the first baby in the family is coming in less than 7 months, excited! :) and my baby sister is getting married!!! :)

...it's Christmas Day next week!!! :) i'm going home on the 24th and be back here in Manila on the 25th; i suddenly miss na may looooooooooongggggg Christmas break!!! :D

MERRY CHRISTMAS 2013!!! :)

seven

...the 7th year came before i knew it... the time did not only fly, it actually zoomed fast like a bullettrain... this only means that another year has been added to the somehow wasted struggling time of knowing what i really want to do... as i reached my 7th year today, just when i'm seriously considering of leaving my comfort zone, i somehow felt being appreciated, and i just realized it's one of my weaknesses... it feels good when your work is appreciated... BUT, may i just emphasize that this will have nothing to do with my plans... i have already decided to go... i have already began my "i don't care anymore" attitude... this is not about any other thing, this is just about me... if i was given monetary consideration, it's because i did my part in the past, no one has the right to ask me now WHY? i've celebrated this day for the past 6 years happily, but not anymore... seven years has been a big part of me, and i am greatly thankful for those years, i owe them so much, i learned a lot, but just like almost everything, there's always an end... i need to start a new chapter sooner or later... Thank you Lord for those 7 years, but definitely there would never be an 8th year... months from now, things would be a lot, lot different, it may be easier or more difficult, but i know i'll be happy and won't feel any regrets... :) With Lord's help, I'll feel okay and better... :)

It's now or never... :)

6 years...

today is my 6th year anniversary in the office. i got up so sleepy this morning, blame it to the late night shows, but when I realized what date today is, I have decided to make extra effort not to be late. when I went out of the building, I’m not sure if it’s just me or the morning air is really an extra cooler today, it feels like Christmas is just around the corner. the LRT and MRT didn’t make any inconvenience either. my time-in says 6:36, and as soon as I settled on my table, the rain fell. i’ve been remembering all july 18 for the past years, but it seems like the july 18 this year is a little significant, will this be the last? no 7th year anymore? only God knows!

happy 6th year anniversary to me!

Prandering

It’s only 6:30am, but I’m already here in the office. I left the house very early, and took the earliest LRT & MRT trips. When I get off the MRT, it’s still a little dark and this is my first time to come to the office this early, thanks to the streetlamps, the streets are visible enough. I planned to walk fast so I can easily reach the office, but as I walk I decided to slow down and appreciate the morning and have the so called “prandering”.

I first encounter the word when I read Didache 2011 [ thanks to my sistah, Che, for the Didache! ], the author defined prandering as the combined word for praying and pondering. It was further explained as not exactly a full prayer mode, but not just pondering, because God is guiding the thoughts. It is the moment when we are thinking, analyzing, trying to decide on things that are bothering us or are happening around us, etc.

The word is new to me, but the deed behind the word is not. When I read it, I told myself, “so maybe the more appropriate word is prandering and not daydreaming”, hehehe. I often do that anytime of the day, I often find myself lost on my own thoughts. Since I am usually alone in my area doing my work, I usually (or is it always) pause on what I am doing then start thinking and analyzing. There are times that I thought I came at a dead end, but after “prandering”, there’s a positive feedback, it’s either God has guided me on some ideas or options on what I should do.

Looking back, I’ve been doing it since I was in college; I usually go to school early, then I’ll just be staying in the PGH Chapel letting my thoughts flow freely; it makes me feel so peaceful and relaxed.

Walking from the MRT station to the office is a good time for prandering, but it’s just too hard to do especially if I’m running late, hehehe. But this morning is just so perfect: the thick black clouds are slowly fading, letting the morning light take over; the air around is cool, and there are not so many people and vehicles around; I just walked like I’m in the park. It’s so refreshing and relaxing, especially now that I have been cracking my brains on how to resuscitate our publications. I know it will no longer be like a walk in the park for the next few months, I have to start from the scratch for some parts of my work, but I am glad because I’ll now be happily Working (with capital W) and not just happily doing little work. Our financial constraint is still lingering around and now more evident, but God only knows what is best for the company.

“Nobody said that it will be easy, but just stick to it and you’ll soon realize that it is not as hard as what you think it is.”

Lord, thank you so much for waking me up early, and letting me see a beautiful dawn, and thank you for giving me a very serene time for my prandering. I think I should always do this prandering, so I can write often; because it is only when I am at peace that my thoughts can flow freely. So, writing is also my way of prandering? 

happy new year

...thank you 2010 for all the not-so-good things that occurred, they have made me stronger... and for all the good things that will continue to inspire me to do my best.... :)

...the changes that i've planned did not happen, I guess my plan is not according to the Master plan. i think there is really a proper time for everything. for now, i'll have the best out of my current work; anyway, it doesn't feel like work most of the time. i'll just enjoy every second of my stay, because every second that pass will accumulate to be part of a wonderful past, it will be great to look back on happy thoughts... :)

...thank you Lord for a very wonderful year of 2010, I am looking forward for a better 2011... :)

...HAPPY NEW YEAR 2011! :)

...wishing everyone all the best things in life! :)

new

I received a text message from the tutorial center the other day. They offered me to tutor a high school student on Energy and Forces. It could have been a big NO. Why? When I started accepting tutorials four years ago, I have already set my limitations. (1) I won't accept students in high school; and (2) I will never accept if I have to teach about Sciences. Why again? I am just not confident to handle them.

But I replied: Okay I'll do it. I decided to try; there's no harm in trying, right? I decided to take risks, to take challenges; to step out of my comfort zone; and to learn all over again.

Life is work as work is life

I have received and browsed the document a week ago, but it’s only now that I really read its content. I missed the important word in the 2nd page “NOT”, now I’m facing again the same problem.

It was only 2 months after that event in PICC, when I come across this company in the PLDT directory. Excited and in need to have a job, I called them and asked for a vacancy. Luckily, they are looking for someone to fill in the position. After an almost a month of preliminaries, I got to have the so called ‘first day in work’.

I started as simple as a staff; I am just receiving instructions on what to do. But when I was just starting to get used to my undemanding work and barely after being employed as permanent, my supervisor, who have spent nearly 10 years with the company, decided to take a leave and try to have other working environment. Although there are changes, I did not have much difficulty adjusting on her absence because with our technology today, it seemed like she’s just here with me in the office, and so I still work under her instructions. Another thing is I consoled myself that she’ll be back and everything will turn back to what it is used to be. Few months before her supposed return, I received her email: irrevocable resignation.

It gave me mixed emotions: I was scared coping up with the work, making decisions, talking to people, and doing things on my own. For few days, I was always like in a daydream with questions popping up on my mind: How will I do it? Can I do it? Will I survive? But later on, I started to realize that there’s nothing I can do anymore. I would be very selfish and self-center if I will leave my work just like that, or force her to come back, she had already given 10 years of her life for the company, maybe it’s now my turn!?! I just took what happened as a challenge. I have to work hard, and do everything I can do to have journals on time. But the most challenging and difficult task I have to endure is to have available papers for an issue.

The journal has been circulating for over 30 years now, featuring over a hundreds of different papers and studies. Like any other thing, the publication has also experienced its great abundance… abundance on papers/articles, which are submitted not only by local authors but also by foreign enthusiasts. It was the time that our journal is the only one of its kind circulating in Asia. But as years went by, changes also went on, other publications came in and competition arises, and articles/papers came to us less and less.

After three decades, we only now have at least five authors, who are dedicated to share their studies/papers for our journal. I really felt bad because given the subject that the journal is dedicated to and the advance technology that this generation have, we should have been receiving now more and more papers for the journal. But I understand that it won’t happen that easy because of the competition, we are competing with foreign publications. I have talked to some authors a year ago, and they refuse to give us the chance to publish their works in our journal because they do not want to have any conflict with the submission of it to foreign publications, and also money really matters. While we are giving a very minimal amount of peso as an honorarium, maybe our counterparts are offering dollars. Well, that’s life!

That is my dilemma now, but I guess that would always be my dilemma every start and middle of the year. If I have no enough articles or worse if there’s nothing at all, how can I produce an issue of the journal? Every article is like a medication that keeps the ailing journal live, and the journal is the reason why I am still here… and I am not yet ready to leave my work so I need to use all my strength and all my brain cells to seek for more than enough medication to keep life going…